Only the Lonely

I'm ignoring the clock, the date. I'm not acknowledging that Friday was five year since my baby shower, Sunday was three years since I last saw my son alive and saw his smile, the today is three years since we said goodbye. I'm obviously doing a wonderful job of not letting those thoughts seep in.

Grief is a lonely disease. No matter how many people you share it with, even if you live with the other parent of the lost child. You are never at the same place. And when one of you is great at expressing yourself through writing but not communicating out loud, it makes it difficult to have a real heart to heart. Conversations are broken and clipped. We don't want to see each other's pain because it hurts to much.

Last night we lied under the covers in the dark, not talking, barely breathing. Minutes becoming hours. Neither sleeping. "I don't want it to be tomorrow." "I know." Our only acknowledgement because it hurts too much to talk about it out loud.

We've learned to help each other in our ways. We give space and cling at the same time. Robert takes a week over every year, though it never feels like enough. During the day, he writes his stories while I read and read. We play with Meghan and do school with her. We take turns taking her places to give each other time to grieve in private. Then at night, after she's in bed, we lay in the darkness, spooned together praying for tomorrow to never come.

The loneliness is the worst. There are those that treat the month of August like any other month, but just offer a little more kindness, some words of encouragement. Then there's the ones who feel so uncomfortable that instead of just not saying anything about Max, they just avoid me altogether, as if my grief is contagious. Or maybe the act of being around me will rub off and kill their own children. Maybe they think I won't notice, but when suddenly the Facebook messages, texts, and phone calls cease I do notice. I don't expect people step outside of their comfort zone, but it does hurt to be cut off completely. Suddenly I feel like a leper instead of a friend, and that's not a feeling anyone wants to have.

Staying Busy

This time of year is always hectic for me. I may not always cope in a way that others agree with but as they say, there's no right way. It's whatever works really. I've found that I have things that I tend to do each year, such as reading a lot (I'll read an entire book in just one day), or changing my hair drastically. In previous years, I shut down and withdrew from my friends, only leaving the house for therapy.

My how times have changed! I'm still reading a lot, because I enjoy it and it's a good form of therapy for me. Getting lost in a book is a good way to escape from reality for a bit. But instead of withdrawing from my friends, I'm becoming much more social. I am now only going to therapy every three months instead of weekly. And my hair hasn't gone through any major changes...yet. I've yet to get to the point where I can call someone and speak what's on my mind when I'm not doing well, but I've finally gotten to where I can reach out enough to at least call and just talk about nonsense. 

I stay busy. This house has been a big change for us. We went from living in our dark condo where we never had people over, to this big, bright house that has become a hub. We're constantly entertaining and having friends over. I've found that I really enjoy playing host. Of course it also means constant cleaning and prepping. It's hard, tiring work but so worth it.

I'm now homeschooling Meghan as well, so that takes up a lot of my time. I believe the research and prep work times triple the time of actual schooling. She so enjoys it. Most days, she's begging for just one more activity. She's like a little sponge just soaking up everything I throw at her. We make a lot of trips to the library to pick up books I've reserved and to get new books to read together. Our days of board books are gone and have been replaced by longer picture books. Soon enough, I know will come the chapter books and I know I will shed some tears over that milestone as well. 

Busyness is good. It keeps the mind from wandering to the dark places. 

Negative Thoughts

Feeling a little hard on myself tonight. Don't really feel like being concise. Just want to get these negative thoughts out. 

With one vehicle suddenly broken down, probably for good, and many of my stay-at-home-mom friends returning to the work force whether on foot or from home, I'm feeling bit worthless. I don't have an education to fall back on. I don't have a skill or a talent. I'm not good at anything. I can't make stuff to sell. I'm not good with my hands. I don't have a passion that I can turn into money. My despair isn't about the money, it's about the disappointment in myself. I don't even have a thing that I really enjoy.

Then there's the bigger thing. That I'm trying so, so hard to ignore. The back to school posts. The Kindergarten posts. I dread the days ahead of friends posting pictures of their kids with backpacks on their first day of school. This August, this one is in some way so much worse.

For being the end of July, I'm doing well with it. Really. The fact that it's been three years, isn't bothering me nearly as much as it did when we were nearing two years, or worse one. But the fact that Max would have been starting school this year. That hurts. I dread those pictures of backpacks and smiling faces. The pictures we will never ever have. And it's just not fair.

So yes, I'm feeling negative and upset tonight. Tomorrow I'll put my happy face back on and it'll be fine again.

P.S I really do need to do this blogging thing more often. It does help.