New Leaf

I decided it was time for a new home. A place where I can focus more on the good. I will now be posting at my new location Gratefully Living Out Loud, but my old posts will live on here.

Year In Review - 2013

Get Busy Living - Your Year in Review

2013

10 greatest things that happened in the past year 

1. Bought a house

2. Got a dog

3. Began Healthy Eating

4. Celebrated our first Halloween in our new home with our friends and neighbors.

5. Celebrated Heather's 21st Birthday at a comedy club

6. Bought and wore this ridiculous hat (because it made me laugh) at our first Cards Against Humanity night with friends.

7. Learned to smile again.

8. Games nights with Meghan

9. Potty Trained Meghan...Seriously.

10. Celebrated our first Christmas in our home

I am most proud of these three accomplishments from the last year

1. Taking charge of my health and relying less on medications to get me through.

2. Learning to say no and to put myself first. 

3. Learning that's it ok to laugh

Three Great Lessons I've learned from last year

1. Love only dies if you let it.

2. Happiness doesn't belittle the pain, it just makes it easier to cope.

3. Good health is something you fight for, not something you're given. 

Three personal developments I have made in the past year are:

1. Getting off of multiple medications 

2. Feeling safe within my own home

3. Becoming more independent 

If I could do things again last year, I would do these three things differently:

1. Drink more water!

2. Not beat myself up so much

3. Speak up and stand up for myself more.

Three things I need to do less of in the next year are:1. Eat out

2. Waste

3. Put myself down

Three things I need to do more of in the next year are:

1. Make my health a priority.

2. Find ways to spend more quality time with my family.

3. Accept that everyone makes mistakes...even me.

Three things I need to stop completely during the next year are:

1. Allowing myself to become dehydrated.

2. Forgetting to take time for myself.

3. Putting my health last.

Three reasons I didn't achieve my goals last year are:

1. Health problems.

2. Self esteem.

3. Making excuses.

Three goals I want to achieve this next year are:

1. Med free 2014!

2. Continue to lose weight.

3. Read 50 books (34% there!).

Three reasons why I want to achieve these goals are:

1. My health is important.

2. My self esteem is unfortunately affected by my weight. 

3. Personal time and books are important to me. 

Smartest Decision I made last year:

Putting my health first.

Biggest Risk I took last year:

Beginning to get off of my medications

One sentence that sums up this past year:

My health does not define me.

One year from right now, I want my ideal day to look like this:

Energy to get through my days, freedom to laugh and smile, confidence in myself...and shopping sprees for smaller clothes. :D

*This was a therapy assignment. If you are interested in doing this work sheet for yourself, you can find it here.

Sinking

Struggling isn't the right word. I don't know that there are words to properly describe what I am feeling. My illness has me down. The pain had gotten better, but now it's worse. I've turned to taking hour long baths in boiling hot water to ease the exploding pain.

I'm anxious and fatigued. The days are blending together and I find myself relying on my calendar to tell me when and where I need to be. I just can't focus.

Friday, we took Meghan to tour a preschool. She'll be starting in August. We liked the school a lot and plan to put our application in the second registration opens on Tuesday. But that word, like a dark cloud, August, looms over me. I know it's not the same, I know it's only a few hours a day, but it feels like a sentence. In August, I lose my baby girl. In August, I will be all alone.

I haven't been alone in over five years. I haven't gone places by myself, ever. I feel more capable of doing now, but there's that overwhelming alone, alone, alone, repeating in my head. To say that I don't know what I'll do with myself is an understatement. Just a mile from the apartment where we used to live. A cozy, happy family of four. Before. I've fought parking in front our old place and sobbing, each time I've been in town on my own. But with 3 hours, 5 days a week, will I be able to withhold? What good would it do?

When I think of that time, hiding in that hotel for a week too scared to go back there, I don't think of waking up in the night screaming or how we planned our suicides before resolving to make it work for her, I think of how when people visited, I laughed and joked. I let my shield of humor hide my pain. For years after, my guilt stole that laugh, leaving a hollow, faked shell behind. I think of the candle lighting and how I couldn't go. I think of the news stories, both on tv and in the paper, vowing to never Google myself and how I fear people doing just that. And I think of Meghan. How small she was, such an easy baby. I think of how she saved us. Unknowingly, we gave her the middle name of Joy. Foreshadowing? And now, August, my Joy is leaving me. Tell me your niceties, call it what you will, but it's how I feel.

Let the countdown begin.

Health Update

I visited several of my doctors this month. I feel that I had lost my way last year and lost control of my health. Instead, this year, I am fighting to gain control.

My weight has spiraled out of control. I've cut out a lot of things from my diet in hopes to lose weight and control my pain levels. I studied about foods that cause inflammation and pain, then cut them out. Of course there is a lot of conflicting information out there regarding Fibromyalgia and foods that help or hurt. For now, I am off of pork, beef, white flour, white sugar, dairy, white potatoes, and avoiding chemically ridden foods. I discovered through this process that I am lactose intolerant.

I purchased Wii Fit U last week. It comes with a Fit Meter to wear, basically a pedometer with some extra features. I've been averaging about 20 minutes of exercise with the "game" per day. I'm encouraged to add steps each day, trying to beat the previous day's score. Whatever works, right?

I resumed my CPAP therapy and am sleeping better as a result. I'm hoping to have more energy as my body adjusts.

I am also reducing my medications. I stopped the Topamax about three months ago after another episode with my kidneys. Currently, I am working on weaning off of the Lyrica. I started out at 450 mgs, then 300, and now 150 mg. The pain during the first several days of dropping to 150 mgs was awful. Once I got through that, the bigger issue was my emotional well being.

My goal is to be med free and manage my pain through diet and exercise. It's hard work. But I think it's worth it. Besides the physical benefits, the savings would be wonderful as well. I've been averaging $700 a year in meds. Not to mention the multiple doctors, hospital stays, OTC meds and vitamins. It's insane. Just thinking about it makes me feel ill.

The important thing, is that I'm not happy. I don't like living my life this way. I'm embarrassed of my size and tried of being judged. My self esteem stinks, obviously not just because of this but it's a huge part of it.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm fighting. I just hope it's worth it.