Addiction

Last night was the season finale of Nashville (do not read on if you are avoiding spoilers). Throughout this show, I have wondered if the person behind the show had grown up with an addicted parent. To me, it's evident that he or she must have had personal experience, because they got it so right with this show.

Anyway, last night was the finale, and one of the character's, Juliette, mother dies. In one scene, Juliette holds her mother's hand along side the casket and cries "Why wasn't I enough?" Later, she confesses to someone that she thought that if she tried hard enough, if she was good enough, that her mother would get clean. And finally, at a point of anger, she expresses that there were days prior to her mother's death that she feared the day would come and others where she prayed for them to come so she could be done with it. She exclaimed, "I should be CELEBRATING!" and then quickly starts to cry, "I didn't mean that!" Oh honey, I know. I so know.

It's been two years now since my father's death, and I still struggle with these emotions. His addiction came way before I did and had nothing to do with me, but that didn't stop me from trying to fix it or thinking it was my fault all those years. I begged for his death to come, and when it finally did the guilt was so immense. The fact that we never fixed things weighs heavily on my shoulders.

The truth is, though, that stepping away is one of the best things I've done for myself and for my family. I so wish we could have fixed things, but it wasn't mine to fix. I couldn't make him stop. They say you should accept people as they are and not try to change them. This is true. But sometimes, you have to step away because that person is so toxic. That was my father. Every interaction was physically and emotionally painful.

I am really looking forward to next season of Nashville. I hope they continue this story line with Juliette, but I hope she doesn't continue to drink away her own pain.

The Other Side of Mother's Day...

I spent my Mother's Day being spoiled and loved by my three year old daughter, Meghan. Like most moms, I dropped many not so subtle hints in the days leading up to the big day about what I wanted. I wanted to sleep in, breakfast in bed, and to not lift a finger. But most of all I just wanted time with my family.

In reality, I also spent the days leading up to Mother's Day sobbing in the shower. I sat and looked at Mother's Day cards from "before". I looked at pictures of my son and I spent a lot of time sitting with his urn. All I wanted for Mother's Day was my son back. I wanted nothing to do with Mother's Day. It got to the point that I was unable to purchase cards for my own mother and mother in law because I couldn't stomach the card aisle without starting to cry all over again.

This may have been my third Mother's Day, but it felt like the first. If anything, it felt harder. All these years, I had shielded myself with anger and bitterness (just read my old posts). While that bitterness wasn't good for me, it had protected me from this overwhelming sadness.

Like many times before, I had to turn to Meghan. I focused in on her. Not only did she need me for these daily basic needs, she needed to be able to celebrate me. And I deserved to be celebrated. Losing Max didn't strip me of that. Despite the blame that I constantly place on myself, his death was not my fault. I need to keep telling myself that and start living that. I deserve breakfast in bed.

So I slept in. I did allowed my family to wait on me. And I let myself cry a little. But only when I wasn't busy with Meghan.

At the end of the day, I put together a picture frame with pictures of Max and Meghan as newborns. A gift to myself. It felt so good to include Max on Mother's Day.

My son might not live, but he will always be my son and I will always be his mom.

Sometimes You Just Need That Reminder...

I read this article today that spoke to me about what really makes a house a home. The writer spent many years and invested a lot of money making her home the way she thought everyone thought it should look. Then, it burnt down in the middle of the night.

The moral of the article was the it's not how your home is decorated, but rather about the memories you make in it. It's not how your home looks to your guests but how being in your home makes your guests feel. 

I so needed to read that. I have had my head so wrapped up in trying design and budget our new house, knowing that I cannot decorate it the way I would like right away. I want to just shut and bolt my doors until it's the way I want it. But that's what I've always done. I haven't hosted my friends because I live in an apartment or a condo. I have let house envy rule me. My friends don't care about that. I don't need the perfect furniture, the right accents, paint colors that will set the tone...they will love me for who I am regardless of when I decorate.

For now, I will continue to plan and pin because this time I will be decorating and making this our home. I'm done moving.

23 days...

25 Days...

I am almost afraid to say it out loud. Afraid that announcing it for the world to hear will put it out there for the goblins to snatch it away and take it off to live with David Bowie's massive crotch forever. I have this constant fear of good things. Not bad things. I know how to handle bad things. I'm not saying I like them, but I know how to deal with it. It's the good things I don't know how to handle. The spot light that comes with them and worse, the fear of having them taken away from me.

But maybe, maybe if I just sandwich it here in the middle of these fears it's be ok. We bought a house! I'm excited, but as you know, extremely nervous that it won't work. However, so far, everything is going so super smoothly it's crazy. We offered the day of the listing, our inspection was clean, our appraisal came in at more than asking, the house has been kept so well that the appraiser said it was younger than the true age, we're getting money back at close...I am terrified of all the things that are going to go terribly wrong at close. 

Anyway about the house, I wanted to post pictures, but I thought better of it. So long as the listing is still up with the address posted publicly. It makes me nervous. It is, however, everything we wanted. It's a beautiful brick exterior. 2 car garage. Big fenced backyard for Meghan to play in with a screened patio for me to watch. Big living room. 3 bedrooms and 3 baths. Meghan will have her own bathroom. Our bedroom has a private patio door, vault ceilings, jetted tub, walk in shower, and his and her closets. We'll be leaving Gainesville for a smaller, quieter town near by. It's just what we need. 

We currently have 25 days until closing. Things are chaotic here! Meghan's playroom has become our staging room for boxes and our dining room has become a Tetris pad for furniture. We've gotten rid of so much though. I'm looking forward to starting fresh with less clutter and much more space! 

Counting down and hanging on for dear life!