Merry Christmas

With Christmas just a few days away, it's hard to not think of our last Christmas in 2009. I'm sure many of you remember that we decided not to celebrate the holidays last year, allowing ourselves time to grieve instead. So when I think of  "Last Christmas" my mind goes back to 2009 and our last Christmas with our beautiful boy...

Focus

Today I'm lucky enough to have no plans, no obligations. Meghan is at the tail end of a cold and still a little snotty, so we're staying home. The house is clean so there are no household chores to be done. What a rarity! I will instead focus my mental energy into makings lists. Priority #1 being our Thanksgiving shopping list. It's been several years since we've done Thanksgiving on our own, but I am excited to be doing the cooking this year for my little family. The adjustment is making less food, smaller portions. I want to cook everything but I need to scale that back and just do the important things. I don't want to end up with a huge amount of leftovers. We will not be gaining weight this holiday season.

The Cocoon

Today we went to a Halloween Festival thrown by our playgroup. Honestly I was nervous about going. Just two years ago, we were there with our dinosaur, our Max. Today we were there with our little Bumblebee, Meghan, and our dinosaur weighing heavily on our hearts. It's days like today that I miss him even more.

September Already

Sometimes I have so much to say that nothing comes out. It's like a traffic jam in my head preventing anything from being printed in my blog.

August has come and gone. Honestly, the month went by very quickly for me. I psyched myself up for so long preparing and now that it's over I'm exhausted. We've had visitors, extra work for Robert while his boss was out on paternity leave, I started a work from home job, Meghan's favorite word has been "Go"...

Holy Growth Spurt Batman!

At Meghan's 15 month check-up there were some concerns about her height and weight. She had dropped from  90% height to just 30% and she had dropped below 10% for weight. Today was her follow-up visit to recheck her measurements.

Spew...DUCK!

Ok so my posts have been mostly nice here lately, but all good things come to an end right? So it's time for me to spew some hatred. If you're sitting in the front row, you may want to bring a tarp and duck!

Happy 3rd Birthday Max!

 Happy Birthday my sweet boy!

One Year

It's hard to believe that it's been a whole year since I've seen my sweet boy.

This Week

This week, as I'm sure you can imagine,  is and will be incredibly hard. It is my hope that none of you will be insulted if we do not take or return your phone calls right away. I think for the most part we just need to take things one minute at a time and just feel what we feel. Don't feel that you can't call, but please understand if we do not answer or if the phone goes straight to voice mail. It's not you, it's me. ;)

Good Day at the Park

Meghan and I spent our morning at a local park. She hasn't had a lot of time at parks with playground equipment. It was a little warm but we didn't really start to sweat until the end of our hour and a half visit. Being August, I'd say it was a pretty nice day at the park!

Posting Comments

I changed some settings after doing a little research, hopefully those of you that have been having difficulty commenting can now do so. If you continue to have problems, you can email me.

Thanks for reading!

Eviction

This week I am working on evicting the funk that has been taking up space in my home. The funk has completely invaded our lives. We're tired, moody and just unhappy. The funk has spread itself throughout our home and it's time for it to leave!

Five For Friday

Here are Five Things I Like and Five Things I Don't Like. Just because.

Those Mini Goals.

I wrote a couple days ago about setting mini goals for myself and yet I never posted any.Yikes! Can you say procrastinator? Better late than never, here we go!

Wheeeee Mood Swing!

Ok so my blog is like a giant mood swing today. Yes, blogs have moods too!

My Heart Song

Every once in a while, a song comes along that really speaks to you.

Coping Skills

I might end up with a few entries today, I have a lot on my mind.

Today, I read a blog post from Attack of the Redneck Mommy titled Love Harder. I started following her just a couple days ago ever doing a Google search for "Funny Blogs". It just so happens that not only did I find a funny blog, I also found the blog of a mother who has lost a son. Love Harder struck a chord with me. In case you decide not to read (though I think you should just because it's a great post!) she basically writes about people asking her how she copes and how although the pain is not visible outwardly to everyone it does exist.

Challenging Myself...

One of the most difficult lessons in life, or at least in mine, is learning that you have the ability to pave the way towards your own happiness. You and you alone, are the only person who can make you happy. Happiness is not the result of a fantastic job, a great relationship, a rocking body or a dream house. It's easy to get caught up in thoughts of  "I'd be happy if I just had ___." But why? Why do we need to put our own happiness on hold until ___ comes along? What if our unhappiness is the one thing preventing that one good thing from happening. Let's be honest, unhappiness is unattractive. Bitterness is revolting. Anger is repulsive. Frowns are ugly. 

Facebook and Such

Some of you may have noticed that I am no longer active on Facebook. I have also disabled comments and the ability to post to my wall.

Vacation Recap

Friday July 15th

We got up extra early to start our trip. I had Robert drop me at Enterprise and he ventured on to the grocery store to buy snacks. With a little charming on my part, our car was upgraded from a Impala to a Cadillac. I met Robert back at the house, loaded up and hit the road. I was totally digging the heated, cooled, massaging seats.

My Sweet Boy

Maxwell James Spears - July 2009.

How? How has it been 11 months since I've seen his beautiful face? Heard his infectious laugh?

Uninspired...

Uninspired. Unmotivated. Call it what you like. I just haven't been able to put down words. I start, stop, erase and close the window. So least just skip a theme and just do an update of sorts.

I've been staying busy. I haven't made it to the gym as much as I would like, but I'm still going at least 3 days a week. My general life is physically more active than it used to be. I'm taking more time for the things I love. I read more. I play with Meghan more. I cook more. I go out more. I listen to music and just dance around the house more.

Good Day

Today is probably the best day I've had in a very long time.

I woke up to a dark, quiet, clean house. Nothing ahead of me. No schedule to keep up with, no plans, no one to answer to or please. No one but me and my baby girl.

Epiphany

I've been going through a lot of internal changes. It feels as if someone has suddenly flipped on the light switch, flooding my naive little world with brightness. Some of my epiphanies have been good, some bad. The biggest one (no pun intended) has been about my health and weight.

Plans and Goals

By special request. :)

Upcoming Plans

At a Loss for Words

I've been having a hard time coming up with something to say, here and on facebook.

I realize that I don't need a topic, but I feel rather boring just talking at random about my day.

I've been trying to stay busy by going to the gym and play dates. It helps to keep my mind off of things a little better. Kim is still here staying with us until the 28th, so at least when I'm home I'm not completely left to my thoughts.

There's good days and there's days like these....

Yesterday marked 10 months since I've seen my little boy. Ten long months since we said goodbye.

Here Comes the Fog

I've been feeling particularly foggy the past couple of days. Some of you know what I'm talking about, for the rest of you...I just feel like it's hard to think to the point of having difficulty functioning. I'm sure everyone has felt like that one time of another.

I Quit

No more whining. No more complaining. No more waiting. I am taking charge!

I'm letting those hurtful comments, quips, and names roll off my back. Eventually in life you have to realize that every person you meet in your life is not going to like you. Some people might start out liking you, you could have this wonderful friendship or relationship, but one day you realize that this person doesn't like you anymore. Maybe no one sees you for who you really are. Or maybe everyone views you based on who you used to be rather than who you are now.

Let me Remember

Let me Remember

I trace the outline of your face

Close my eyes to hear you laugh

Instead of being able to remember

I hear “Quit living in the past.”

Adjustment

This week has been a week of adjustment for us.

First, a close friend of mine came to stay with us. I posted previously that she had been in a car accident suffering many injuries. I've been questioned many times about why would we take someone who is not a family member into our home, especially someone who requires so much care. For me, it's not a question, nor a choice. My question back is "Why wouldn't I?"

Mixed Emotions

After a lot of build up, I almost feel as if my appointment today was anti-climatic. Robert was able to go and felt like it went pretty well. I guess I'm still waiting for that magic "Oh duh, you have..." moment. I don't know why the Fibromyalgia diagnosis hasn't been good enough for me lately.

That said, my suspicions about my tail bone seems to be right. He seemed pretty certain that my tail bone is indeed broken or at least cracked. Of course there's not really much to be done about it, other than some therapy and ultrasound if it continues to bother me.

Day in Bed

I spent most of yesterday and today in bed. It's been a while since I've done that and even longer since I've had to.

Stress is obviously a factor with my illnesses and boy do I have enough of it right now. I seem to be going through a particularly bad flare up at the moment. With so many people dependent on me it's hard to stop and take care of myself when I need to. There comes a point though, that guilty or not, I have to just stop.

The First of Many Steps

This morning I woke up with a new outlook on life. I decided that it was time to stop sitting still and start moving forward with my life.

I have a large list of things I want to work on and change. Today I decided to take some little steps towards something big and important.

Our Morning Out

As I've mentioned before, working on social interactions and expanding my social life is one of my goals. It's not only important for my own wellbeing but for Meghan's as well.

I finally bit the bullet this morning and took Meghan to a meetup with our local Mom's group. I wasn't sure I'd make it until I was there and unloading the stroller from our van.

All I want

I have a hard time excepting compliments and praise. Mainly it's a self esteem issue but also it bothers me not knowing when someone is being sincere or just saying something nice for the sake of being nice.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want in life, my goals, dreams, ambitions. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want people to think after I'm gone?

I guess one place to start is with what I don't want. I don't want to be hyper critical, judgmental, mean or a gossip. Whenever someone talks badly of someone else to me, all I can do is wonder what they say about me when I'm not there.

Done

Nothing's final until it's well...final. But unless God changes my mind for me, we are done.

I always said I'd like to have three kids. I love being a mother. I honestly could be happy just being a mom. It's fulfilling, it's the best job ever. I won't say that I'm at peace with my decision, I'm not happy with it, but I do whole heartedly believe that it's the best decision for us and for my would be child.

Books

Robert is in the office every day this week. "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." rings true to me today. I expected things to be quieter, me to feel a little more lonely, certainly more tired since I sleep less on the days he goes to the office.

Somewhere along the way, I managed to forget that he would not be around for my therapy day. Usually, he goes with me or keeps Meghan while I go. But with him being at work today, I'll be on my own with Meghan in tow.

Black Cloud

Sometimes I feel like there's this huge black cloud over me that strikes anyone within my radius. A past, keyword past, therapist told me that everyone I get close to or depend on either leaves me or dies. Granted, this is true. I just don't know that it was a good thing for her to say to me. But whatever.

Little Things...

I've gotten a few comments stating that my honesty and openness is refreshing. Let me tell you, it's not easy. My posts are few in far between because it's difficult to be so candid. At the same time, what's the point of posting if I can't be candid? Why bother?

I am not well. I'm just a really good faker.

Depression

I recently read a thread on a forum, not related to illnesses, about tolerance and disabilities. The thread starter was expressing his pain of being flamed in various settings because of his disability, Cerebral Palsy. Although this particular forum was for a common interest rather than illness support, the responses were amazing. Rather than the negative responses he had expected, many people showed support and shared their own stories. The replies took me over an hour to read, they went on for 20 pages. Only once did I see a negative comment. "Depression is not an illness, get over yourself."

Dear Faithful Fanbase...

Dear Faithful Fanbase,

I am deeply sorry that I did not keep my promise to post on my blog everyday. I will try to be more active.

Thank you!

-Amy

P.S *Smirk*

Nervous to say...

I'm a little nervous to say that things seem to be getting a better.

We've finally reached a point (knock on wood), where we're not dreading or counting down to something big or stressful. I've learned to be a little more assertive and own my feelings.

Your Questions Answered

I know that not everyone cares about my day to day life, or anyone's for that matter. It's like the Twilight books, we don't care what Bella ate for breakfast, nor do we need a detailed description of it every single morning. That said, blogs are not for entertainment. I'm not expecting a huge following or a book deal. I just want a safe place to express my feelings. Yes it's public, but sometimes it's easier to let my friends and family read this than to open up and express this stuff out loud. Mainly, this is just a place for me.

Not Even Close...

I often get comments about how things must be so much easier now, the pain should be fading, I should be healing, it shouldn't be so hard anymore. Ha. You couldn't be more wrong.

Each day that goes by, doesn't less the pain. Each day that goes by is one more day gone by that I haven't had my son in my life.

Up, Down...Weeeeeeeee

I've been on a constant roller coaster of emotions. Worse than the emotions themselves, is the feeling of instability. Nothing is worse than not knowing or understanding how I feel one moment to the next. One minute I'm going along and having a good time, then the next I'm second guessing everything and on the verge of tears.

Happy New Year

Gosh, I didn't realize it had been so long since I had posted here.

December was a very busy, stressful month for us. A lot of ups and downs. The good news is that 2010 is behind us. I am looking forward to a new year with a fresh and happy start.

We started the move to our new home on Christmas day. It was the best possible way for us to spend the day. Moving was a positive, distracting thing. We still have somethings in storage and a few odds & ends out at the house, but all the important things are here and put away.