Barely Functioning

I'm barely functioning right now. I think August is just a black hole for me. I guess the whole kidney thing and then an increase of my Lyrica didn't help matters. But the brain fog is pretty bad. Without looking, I couldn't tell you what day of the month this is. I'm not blacking out, but I swear the day jumps around with large amounts of time wasted. I am just so tired. And yes, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it too. No one likes a whiner. I'm just frustrated that I cannot think straight. My house is a gross wreck right now because I just don't have the energy to clean. Thankfully, we have no plans for the weekend and we can try to catch up. I just feel like I need someone to tell me step by step what needs to be done.

I'm over my "I hate you all" anger. Once again, it's just my way of coping right now. It's not fair to all of you or really even to myself. Hopefully with time I'll find a better way to cope. For now though, I'm over it. I'm still avoiding Facebook for a few days to steer around the triggers.

In other news, I have started a separate blog for my weight loss stuff. I know you all voted for me to keep it all over here, but now that I'm getting a little more serious, I feel that it needs it's own space. I will link the two together and make references to that blog here when I have a new post. You can also subscribe to any of my blogs to be notified of news posts. I hope you'll continue to follow me in both places. I will be working on being more active and finding ways to make it easier to follow. Hang in there with me and please if you have any suggestions or request, let me know.

Without further ado, here is my new blog for my weight loss and health stuff, Healing Graces. Visit, comment, subscribe! I've moved my old weight loss stuff over and post the results of my final weigh in!

I hate you all

Today is one of those days where I just want to hate all of you. I don't really, it's just my way of placing my anger somewhere else and trying to cope with it. But today when so many of you have children starting or returning to school and my son would have been starting preschool too...well I hate you all.

When I see so many pregnancy posts or new babies when we have decided it's just too hard to have any more, I hate you all.

When I see you happy while I'm miserable, I hate you all.

When you offer a child for "sale hahaha" because they're annoying you, I want to run you over with my car repeatedly.

Tomorrow I'll like you again, but for this moment I hate you all and I can't help it.

Happy 4th Birthday Max

Happy Birthday Max. I miss you more each day. Today you would have been four years old and starting Preschool. I know you would have continued to be a great big brother and taught Meghan so much. You were so loving, fun, smart...you were mine.

Today we celebrated your birthday without you. I'm sure you had an amazing birthday in Heaven. We took Meghan to the beach. I could feel you there with us. I know you would have loved the ocean. We bought you a cake and let Meghan blow out the candles. And we thought about you...constantly.

I miss you.

Things Just Suck Right Now

After my last post about going to the ER with a kidney infection, I ended up getting worse and wound up being admitted to the hospital for a few days. I was released once my blood work came back clean, somewhat against doctor's orders. He wanted to keep me for an extra day but I was ready to come home to my own bed and my family. By that point, I was having a lot of muscle/fibro pain from staying in an uncomfortable hospital bed constantly. So I came home bruised, sick and weak. I've continued to improve a little each day. I finally have most of my strength back and am able to drive again. I am still tired and wear out much easier. Saturday was a busy, rushing around, on my feet day and by evening I was literally shaking because of the pain. I still have stones left, though I'm not sure how many. Therefore I also still have pain periodically on both sides.

If it weren't for getting ill, I would have finished the Face 2 Face program last week. Instead, I've been unable to exercise for over two weeks now. That's been upsetting for me. I felt like I had gotten into such a good routine. I am equally scared to go back and anxious to go back. I am certain that the kidney problems are related to my constant state of dehydration combined with my sudden increase in sweating from the sauna, steam room, and working out. If anything, I've now learned my lesson: I need to DRINK. I need to make my body priority and take care of myself better.

We're also leading up to "that time of the year". I honestly feel like we just did this. Last year I was so emotional and terrified of August 12th and 17th. I was afraid of Max's balloon release and all the emotions surrounding it. Afterwards, I took a deep breath and just felt relieved that I survived the anniversary. And now here we are again, so soon. The idea that I haven't seen my own son in TWO years just shatters my heart and is NOT FAIR. Because it's not, it's NOT FAIR AT ALL.  I have these friends that I know I can count on. BS will keep me distracted if I need it. SS sends me words of encouragement and allows me to talk about the hard stuff. CN has this way about her that makes it just all tumble out and she reads between the lines, calling me out on stuff. My therapist is beyond amazing and I couldn't be more thankful for her. I need them. But it's hard because sometimes if feels like no one else talks about it, no one talks about HIM. It's taboo. It's old news.

I'm just very glad that Robert is staying home next week.

Things just suck right now.