If You Can't Say Something Nice...

I have not been nearly as active with this blog as I had planned.

I've been having a particularly difficult time the past week or two. My emotions have been all over the place. I ranged from angry to extremely depressed to helpless to all of the above but able to hide it. At this point though, I don't know if I'm still hiding it well or if everyone just chooses to look the other way. I've always hidden things away, whether the pain was physical or mental. I don't like discussing my feelings and being noticed when I am hurting. I feel as though showing it is a sign of weakness even though I encourage others against that form of thinking. Do as I say...

Health

I went to see the Rheumatologist last week for an evaluation and treatment. He's certain that I do have Fibromyalgia, but we're doing testing to see if I have anything else in addition. My joints are uber flexible and bend in ways that are causing damage, thus more pain.

Life Goes On

I knew people would return to their normal lives and continue on the same paths they were on a little over two months ago. I don't want attention, that's not who I am. But it hurts to hear other people talk about what got them through the loss of Max. It hurts to see those smiling, happy faces. I'm happy that those around me are happy, but yet I can't understand how my son has been erased from their hearts like he was never here.

Assertiveness

My assignment for this week is to work on being assertive and using more "I" statements. I have a real fear confrontation. I don't know how to state my feelings and needs. I can't show my emotions or ask for help.

For Me

I've spent my entire life caring for other people and basically being a "yes" girl. Need a favor? Sure. Don't care how I feel? Well that's okay, I understand. I don't do confrontation. I don't say no, I'm not even sure I know how. You could stand here and insult me and I'll probably just shrug it off...at least while you're looking.

But you know what? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of putting others first and myself last.