Skipped

Yesterday, I hit the ground running. It wasn't until almost noon that I realized I had forgotten my morning medications. I didn't feel the effects yet and I could still take them. But something in my brain just switched on me and said, "Just see what happens."

The day went on, and I felt fine. I didn't feel like I had missed my medication, even though I had. That little voice in my head spoke again, "Maybe you should just stop taking them. No one would know..."

By bed time, I had a slight headache. But I could handle it. The voice said, "Maybe you could just wean. No one needs to know..." I schemed and plotted it out. I could just swallow the pills every other day for a while. It wouldn't be so bad. I could do it, I could get off the meds. By myself.

This morning, I took the pills still planning my weaning. Then mid-morning came and I felt so antsy I couldn't sit still. I decided to clean to get ahead for Thanksgiving, so I started moving things in the kitchen and clearing the bathroom floors of their rugs, prepping to mop. I felt like I was floating, completely disconnected from my body. I started sweating and freezing. I got to my bathroom with Meghan and as she helped me pick up, the room started to spin. My head was pounding, and my stomach started to churn. I made it to the couch and had Meghan get me some water. Shaking and clammy. My cleaning will have to wait until I can get better control on the spinning.

As I sit, the battle within rages. I'm calling myself stupid for trying, but the other voice is telling me that I'm weak if I give up. I don't want to be a slave to these medications any longer. I'm not stuck on these medications forever. Is it so wrong to want to jump of this pharmaceutical train?

SAD

Source

The last time I wrote, it was Summer and here we are in the middle of Fall. Fall is a season celebrated by many and dreaded by few. Unfortunately, that "few" is an estimated 10-20% of all Americans. I am one of them.

I will not stand here, proud to speak up about Seasonal Affective Disorder. Catch me in the Spring time and I may have more pep. For me, the Fall brings a season of increased depression and suicidal thoughts. Don't get me started on Winter! I will say, that knowing that I am affected by SAD, does make it easier to cope with.

This year, when I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety, I was able to identify the issue fairly quickly. Treating it, however, is not so simple. How does one take the steps to go for a walk or use a light box, when they're too heavy to move? How does one make an effort to fight the disease when they just don't care anymore? Somehow, knowing that doing those things would make me feel better or at least dim the symptoms slightly, is not enough motive to actually stand up and make a move towards wellness.

Added stress doesn't help, but being unable to cope with stress makes it all more difficult. Some days I fight, some days I don't. Regardless, I'm still here and I'm still breathing. Some days, that just has to be enough.

For now, while you count down to Christmas, I'm just going to keep peering out the window hoping for some sunshine.