Things I learned

This past weekend, we made our annual trip to Douglasville, Georgia to visit family for the holidays. After dropping Daisy, our lab mix, off at the "Doggie Hotel" and make a couple other necessary stops on Friday, we began our journey. Our 5 hour trip turned into much more with the help of bad traffic and a lot of sitting on the freeway. We finally made it around 6 and had just enough time to unpack our bags at the hotel before heading to our first event. The following day was another roll out of bed and go, go, go day. Which leads to my first lesson I learned this weekend.

1. When traveling, always leave room for yourself on your itinerary. In the past, I've always left things up to everyone else. As a result, I've ended each vacation feeling exhausted and in a ton of pain. This time, when I started to tire, we left a party early to take a much needed nap.

2. You can't please everyone. Because I said "no" in order to listen to my body, I felt guilty for not being able to do what each person wanted me to do. But I just couldn't do it all. When it feels like you can't please everyone, sometimes you just have to work to please yourself instead. In this case, it meant skipping an event in order to rest when I needed to.

3. Be spontaneous. As much as I love to plan out each and every minute, leaving room for spontaneity is also a must. I've been saying for years that I wanted to stop on the way home to see Christmas Lights. This year, we finally mad that stop. And you know what? We had a great time. Meghan got to see Santa. We sipped hot chocolate (well they did), roasted marshmallows and danced to the sound of bells in the "snow". It added on a couple extra hours to our trip, but the memories were well worth it.

4. I am not ready for a basic phone. Ok so this one is completely frivolous. We found ourselves nearing our data cap on our smartphones right before the trip. In an effort to avoid going over our cap, we turned data off on our phones. Suddenly not being able to check Facebook, look stuff up, or even use Google Maps about drove me crazy. I did break the black out a couple times, mostly to get coupons for Michaels, (Hey it was 50% off of one item!!!), but that was it.

5. After you get home, take a day to just be. Aside from getting Daisy and going to the store (because Daisy ate a 2nd jar of peanut butter right before the trip), we took today to just rest and relax at home. This meant that Meghan played, Robert played a video game, and I slept. If we had done anything else, I'd be in a world of hurt.

Oh, and road music is a must! Throw in some comedy albums too, laughing is great for a road trip!

There you have it, things I learned this weekend.

Skipped

Yesterday, I hit the ground running. It wasn't until almost noon that I realized I had forgotten my morning medications. I didn't feel the effects yet and I could still take them. But something in my brain just switched on me and said, "Just see what happens."

The day went on, and I felt fine. I didn't feel like I had missed my medication, even though I had. That little voice in my head spoke again, "Maybe you should just stop taking them. No one would know..."

By bed time, I had a slight headache. But I could handle it. The voice said, "Maybe you could just wean. No one needs to know..." I schemed and plotted it out. I could just swallow the pills every other day for a while. It wouldn't be so bad. I could do it, I could get off the meds. By myself.

This morning, I took the pills still planning my weaning. Then mid-morning came and I felt so antsy I couldn't sit still. I decided to clean to get ahead for Thanksgiving, so I started moving things in the kitchen and clearing the bathroom floors of their rugs, prepping to mop. I felt like I was floating, completely disconnected from my body. I started sweating and freezing. I got to my bathroom with Meghan and as she helped me pick up, the room started to spin. My head was pounding, and my stomach started to churn. I made it to the couch and had Meghan get me some water. Shaking and clammy. My cleaning will have to wait until I can get better control on the spinning.

As I sit, the battle within rages. I'm calling myself stupid for trying, but the other voice is telling me that I'm weak if I give up. I don't want to be a slave to these medications any longer. I'm not stuck on these medications forever. Is it so wrong to want to jump of this pharmaceutical train?

SAD

Source

The last time I wrote, it was Summer and here we are in the middle of Fall. Fall is a season celebrated by many and dreaded by few. Unfortunately, that "few" is an estimated 10-20% of all Americans. I am one of them.

I will not stand here, proud to speak up about Seasonal Affective Disorder. Catch me in the Spring time and I may have more pep. For me, the Fall brings a season of increased depression and suicidal thoughts. Don't get me started on Winter! I will say, that knowing that I am affected by SAD, does make it easier to cope with.

This year, when I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety, I was able to identify the issue fairly quickly. Treating it, however, is not so simple. How does one take the steps to go for a walk or use a light box, when they're too heavy to move? How does one make an effort to fight the disease when they just don't care anymore? Somehow, knowing that doing those things would make me feel better or at least dim the symptoms slightly, is not enough motive to actually stand up and make a move towards wellness.

Added stress doesn't help, but being unable to cope with stress makes it all more difficult. Some days I fight, some days I don't. Regardless, I'm still here and I'm still breathing. Some days, that just has to be enough.

For now, while you count down to Christmas, I'm just going to keep peering out the window hoping for some sunshine.

Only the Lonely

I'm ignoring the clock, the date. I'm not acknowledging that Friday was five year since my baby shower, Sunday was three years since I last saw my son alive and saw his smile, the today is three years since we said goodbye. I'm obviously doing a wonderful job of not letting those thoughts seep in.

Grief is a lonely disease. No matter how many people you share it with, even if you live with the other parent of the lost child. You are never at the same place. And when one of you is great at expressing yourself through writing but not communicating out loud, it makes it difficult to have a real heart to heart. Conversations are broken and clipped. We don't want to see each other's pain because it hurts to much.

Last night we lied under the covers in the dark, not talking, barely breathing. Minutes becoming hours. Neither sleeping. "I don't want it to be tomorrow." "I know." Our only acknowledgement because it hurts too much to talk about it out loud.

We've learned to help each other in our ways. We give space and cling at the same time. Robert takes a week over every year, though it never feels like enough. During the day, he writes his stories while I read and read. We play with Meghan and do school with her. We take turns taking her places to give each other time to grieve in private. Then at night, after she's in bed, we lay in the darkness, spooned together praying for tomorrow to never come.

The loneliness is the worst. There are those that treat the month of August like any other month, but just offer a little more kindness, some words of encouragement. Then there's the ones who feel so uncomfortable that instead of just not saying anything about Max, they just avoid me altogether, as if my grief is contagious. Or maybe the act of being around me will rub off and kill their own children. Maybe they think I won't notice, but when suddenly the Facebook messages, texts, and phone calls cease I do notice. I don't expect people step outside of their comfort zone, but it does hurt to be cut off completely. Suddenly I feel like a leper instead of a friend, and that's not a feeling anyone wants to have.

Staying Busy

This time of year is always hectic for me. I may not always cope in a way that others agree with but as they say, there's no right way. It's whatever works really. I've found that I have things that I tend to do each year, such as reading a lot (I'll read an entire book in just one day), or changing my hair drastically. In previous years, I shut down and withdrew from my friends, only leaving the house for therapy.

My how times have changed! I'm still reading a lot, because I enjoy it and it's a good form of therapy for me. Getting lost in a book is a good way to escape from reality for a bit. But instead of withdrawing from my friends, I'm becoming much more social. I am now only going to therapy every three months instead of weekly. And my hair hasn't gone through any major changes...yet. I've yet to get to the point where I can call someone and speak what's on my mind when I'm not doing well, but I've finally gotten to where I can reach out enough to at least call and just talk about nonsense. 

I stay busy. This house has been a big change for us. We went from living in our dark condo where we never had people over, to this big, bright house that has become a hub. We're constantly entertaining and having friends over. I've found that I really enjoy playing host. Of course it also means constant cleaning and prepping. It's hard, tiring work but so worth it.

I'm now homeschooling Meghan as well, so that takes up a lot of my time. I believe the research and prep work times triple the time of actual schooling. She so enjoys it. Most days, she's begging for just one more activity. She's like a little sponge just soaking up everything I throw at her. We make a lot of trips to the library to pick up books I've reserved and to get new books to read together. Our days of board books are gone and have been replaced by longer picture books. Soon enough, I know will come the chapter books and I know I will shed some tears over that milestone as well. 

Busyness is good. It keeps the mind from wandering to the dark places. 

Negative Thoughts

Feeling a little hard on myself tonight. Don't really feel like being concise. Just want to get these negative thoughts out. 

With one vehicle suddenly broken down, probably for good, and many of my stay-at-home-mom friends returning to the work force whether on foot or from home, I'm feeling bit worthless. I don't have an education to fall back on. I don't have a skill or a talent. I'm not good at anything. I can't make stuff to sell. I'm not good with my hands. I don't have a passion that I can turn into money. My despair isn't about the money, it's about the disappointment in myself. I don't even have a thing that I really enjoy.

Then there's the bigger thing. That I'm trying so, so hard to ignore. The back to school posts. The Kindergarten posts. I dread the days ahead of friends posting pictures of their kids with backpacks on their first day of school. This August, this one is in some way so much worse.

For being the end of July, I'm doing well with it. Really. The fact that it's been three years, isn't bothering me nearly as much as it did when we were nearing two years, or worse one. But the fact that Max would have been starting school this year. That hurts. I dread those pictures of backpacks and smiling faces. The pictures we will never ever have. And it's just not fair.

So yes, I'm feeling negative and upset tonight. Tomorrow I'll put my happy face back on and it'll be fine again.

P.S I really do need to do this blogging thing more often. It does help.

Increase

It seems that every trip to the doctor results in yet another increase in my meds or like this time, additional medications. This time my previous migraine medication was increased and another migraine medication was added. I found that the as need med he added ("You should be able to function while on these.") took away my ability to walk across a room much less function. Granted, it did help with my headache but still.

At this point, I'm doing nasal spray and eye drops along with 4 different pills in the morning, 1 in the afternoon, 3 in the evening with more eye drops. Lord forbid if I need vitamins or need something extra. I have to drink extra water to protect my kidneys and take aspirin each day to protect my heart.

I know that for some, this is nothing. But I don't want to live this way. Right now the important thing is the medications are allowing me to do the things I need to do to get better. They allow me to get out of bed each day to care for Meghan. They allow me to exercise. They ease the pain. But every time I swallow those pills down, I cannot help but to look towards the future and see this goal ahead of me. One day I will be well enough to come off of these medications. Maybe I won't be able to get off of all of these medications, but I am going to be much healthier than I am now. I still have a lot of fight left in me.

We're Home...

I am so ridiculously happy. You see that house? That's our house. We are so at peace here. The thing is though, it's not just owning a house or living in a larger home. It's this house, it's this street, this neighborhood, and this town. We just love it here.

I still have a ton to unpack but that's to be expected, especially with having to handle the condo as well. Moving is exhausting! We still have a lot of furniture and boxes in the garage to be dealt with, but I am grateful for a garage to use as a staging area.

Meghan didn't have any difficulty whatsoever. She slept through the night on the very first night and kept her nap routine. She asks us everyday if we can keep our new house. She likes having a backyard, but there's not much for her to do out there right now. Eventually, I want to save up for a nice swing set for her to play on. For now, we enjoy playing ball, hula hoop and running through the sprinklers.

One thing that surprised me, was the sudden burst of energy that came with moving here. I breathe easier, hurt less, and am less fatigued. I wake up much earlier and am ready to get up out of bed. I don't drag like I did before. I think part of it is the brightness. We have so many windows and NO blinds! I wake up to the SUNSHINE every morning and the sound of the birds chirping. Oh how I wish I could bottle this and upload it!

It really is night and day...how good I feel. Can I keep it?

Addiction

Last night was the season finale of Nashville (do not read on if you are avoiding spoilers). Throughout this show, I have wondered if the person behind the show had grown up with an addicted parent. To me, it's evident that he or she must have had personal experience, because they got it so right with this show.

Anyway, last night was the finale, and one of the character's, Juliette, mother dies. In one scene, Juliette holds her mother's hand along side the casket and cries "Why wasn't I enough?" Later, she confesses to someone that she thought that if she tried hard enough, if she was good enough, that her mother would get clean. And finally, at a point of anger, she expresses that there were days prior to her mother's death that she feared the day would come and others where she prayed for them to come so she could be done with it. She exclaimed, "I should be CELEBRATING!" and then quickly starts to cry, "I didn't mean that!" Oh honey, I know. I so know.

It's been two years now since my father's death, and I still struggle with these emotions. His addiction came way before I did and had nothing to do with me, but that didn't stop me from trying to fix it or thinking it was my fault all those years. I begged for his death to come, and when it finally did the guilt was so immense. The fact that we never fixed things weighs heavily on my shoulders.

The truth is, though, that stepping away is one of the best things I've done for myself and for my family. I so wish we could have fixed things, but it wasn't mine to fix. I couldn't make him stop. They say you should accept people as they are and not try to change them. This is true. But sometimes, you have to step away because that person is so toxic. That was my father. Every interaction was physically and emotionally painful.

I am really looking forward to next season of Nashville. I hope they continue this story line with Juliette, but I hope she doesn't continue to drink away her own pain.

The Other Side of Mother's Day...

I spent my Mother's Day being spoiled and loved by my three year old daughter, Meghan. Like most moms, I dropped many not so subtle hints in the days leading up to the big day about what I wanted. I wanted to sleep in, breakfast in bed, and to not lift a finger. But most of all I just wanted time with my family.

In reality, I also spent the days leading up to Mother's Day sobbing in the shower. I sat and looked at Mother's Day cards from "before". I looked at pictures of my son and I spent a lot of time sitting with his urn. All I wanted for Mother's Day was my son back. I wanted nothing to do with Mother's Day. It got to the point that I was unable to purchase cards for my own mother and mother in law because I couldn't stomach the card aisle without starting to cry all over again.

This may have been my third Mother's Day, but it felt like the first. If anything, it felt harder. All these years, I had shielded myself with anger and bitterness (just read my old posts). While that bitterness wasn't good for me, it had protected me from this overwhelming sadness.

Like many times before, I had to turn to Meghan. I focused in on her. Not only did she need me for these daily basic needs, she needed to be able to celebrate me. And I deserved to be celebrated. Losing Max didn't strip me of that. Despite the blame that I constantly place on myself, his death was not my fault. I need to keep telling myself that and start living that. I deserve breakfast in bed.

So I slept in. I did allowed my family to wait on me. And I let myself cry a little. But only when I wasn't busy with Meghan.

At the end of the day, I put together a picture frame with pictures of Max and Meghan as newborns. A gift to myself. It felt so good to include Max on Mother's Day.

My son might not live, but he will always be my son and I will always be his mom.

Sometimes You Just Need That Reminder...

I read this article today that spoke to me about what really makes a house a home. The writer spent many years and invested a lot of money making her home the way she thought everyone thought it should look. Then, it burnt down in the middle of the night.

The moral of the article was the it's not how your home is decorated, but rather about the memories you make in it. It's not how your home looks to your guests but how being in your home makes your guests feel. 

I so needed to read that. I have had my head so wrapped up in trying design and budget our new house, knowing that I cannot decorate it the way I would like right away. I want to just shut and bolt my doors until it's the way I want it. But that's what I've always done. I haven't hosted my friends because I live in an apartment or a condo. I have let house envy rule me. My friends don't care about that. I don't need the perfect furniture, the right accents, paint colors that will set the tone...they will love me for who I am regardless of when I decorate.

For now, I will continue to plan and pin because this time I will be decorating and making this our home. I'm done moving.

23 days...

25 Days...

I am almost afraid to say it out loud. Afraid that announcing it for the world to hear will put it out there for the goblins to snatch it away and take it off to live with David Bowie's massive crotch forever. I have this constant fear of good things. Not bad things. I know how to handle bad things. I'm not saying I like them, but I know how to deal with it. It's the good things I don't know how to handle. The spot light that comes with them and worse, the fear of having them taken away from me.

But maybe, maybe if I just sandwich it here in the middle of these fears it's be ok. We bought a house! I'm excited, but as you know, extremely nervous that it won't work. However, so far, everything is going so super smoothly it's crazy. We offered the day of the listing, our inspection was clean, our appraisal came in at more than asking, the house has been kept so well that the appraiser said it was younger than the true age, we're getting money back at close...I am terrified of all the things that are going to go terribly wrong at close. 

Anyway about the house, I wanted to post pictures, but I thought better of it. So long as the listing is still up with the address posted publicly. It makes me nervous. It is, however, everything we wanted. It's a beautiful brick exterior. 2 car garage. Big fenced backyard for Meghan to play in with a screened patio for me to watch. Big living room. 3 bedrooms and 3 baths. Meghan will have her own bathroom. Our bedroom has a private patio door, vault ceilings, jetted tub, walk in shower, and his and her closets. We'll be leaving Gainesville for a smaller, quieter town near by. It's just what we need. 

We currently have 25 days until closing. Things are chaotic here! Meghan's playroom has become our staging room for boxes and our dining room has become a Tetris pad for furniture. We've gotten rid of so much though. I'm looking forward to starting fresh with less clutter and much more space! 

Counting down and hanging on for dear life!