My Unexpected Trip

Yesterday was busy but nothing signaled that anything was wrong. Meghan and I went to the therapy, the gym (where I pushed myself harder than ever on the treadmill), grocery shopping and for a picnic lunch with Daddy. Then I met Beth for dinner and a movie. We had a great time and despite the busy-ness of my day, I felt pretty good.

I went to bed after I got home and despite having difficulty getting to sleep I drifted off around 11. At midnight, I rolled onto my stomach (I wasn't wearing my CPAP because of nasal allergies) and suddenly got a searing pain in my back on the lower left side. I figured it was a muscle cramp from doing weights the day before. I rolled onto my right side and tried massaging it myself but the pain increased. I couldn't get comfortable. The pain began to wrap around my side. At this point I was still trying to find a position that would ease the pain. Finally when it was clear that I wasn't going to get comfortable, I came downstairs.

I spent about two hours downstairs by myself because I didn't want to disturb Robert. But 30 minutes in, I knew something was wrong. It pain continued to worse, never relenting even for a second. I was freezing and shaking from the pain. I started to become afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it up the stairs to wake Robert and I knew that he wouldn't hear me scream. I wanted to go to the hospital, but being me...I didn't want to wake everyone, I didn't want to be a burden, I didn't want to be an expense. I figure I had given birth twice without drugs, I could wait it out until morning. But just in case, I crawled up the stairs and woke Robert. I explained that I didn't want to do anything about it, I just wanted him to be aware. I made him promise to go back to sleep and to get as much rest as possible.

I took two hydrocodone with hopes of being able to sleep. The pain still increase and by now I was writhing and groaning. 15 minutes after the pain pills I began vomiting. I'd spend 20 minutes in the bathroom and then 5 minutes trying to sleep. As time went on I was praying for relief and praying to make it until morning. I knew I needed to go to the hospital, but I didn't want to take Meghan in the middle of the night.

5 am came and I was crying. Two babies without drugs, wisdom teeth, ovarian cysts and tumors...I never cried from the pain. I started to beg Robert to take me, though I was afraid of the drive. Unable to walk easily, it took about an hour to get dressed, get Meghan up, pack her a breakfast, and make it to the hospital.

I was lucky that the waiting room was empty and they took me right back. Due to shift change and some miscommunication, my medications took a little over an hour to get to me. When they finally injected the two pain meds and Zofran (anti-nausea medication) into my IV, I felt so much better. It was almost instant. I was soooooo high and it was amazing to feel NO pain, not only the pain I was there for but the constant pain I usually have. I was set for a cat scan and then the next several hours were spent waiting for results.

During all of this, I was an emotional wreck. I've found that pain medications knock down my tough wall and I lose my normal inability to cry. I cried because I was grateful for Robert being there for me, I cried because I was scared, I cried because I missed Max, I cried because I loved Meghan so much, I cried because I was in the hospital that my Father and Grandfather died at, I cried because I was in a hospital and that reminded me of losing Max. I cried a lot.

Most heavily, I cried for my friend Mandi. Mandi had many of the same illness I do. We met through the online support group I formed as a teenager, Silly Sickies. Mandi was great friend, an amazing woman. At 27 she died from liver failure because of the medications she took...for the illnesses we share . I cried for her and cried because I was afraid.

Finally the doctor came with my results. I have multiple small stones on the right side and a bad infection in my left kidney (the source of the pain). She gave me the option of staying or trying to go home. She said most people with kidney infections that bad stay, but she wanted to give me the choice because of Meghan.

So here I am at home. I have a prescription for antibiotics, pain medication and Zofran. If the pain is intolerable or if I'm able to keep the medications down, I'm to come back to be admitted. I slept for several hours after returning home and now that I'm up the pain has returned. Luckily, so far (knock on wood), it's not as bad as it was last night and this morning. Robert has made me promise to tell him if it's bad and to agree to be admitted. He knows me too well.

Yesterday, my therapist gave me some printouts about asking for help. Obviously, an issue for me. Here's a good chance to work on that! We're ok for now, but I may end up calling a few friends for help with Meghan, especially if I end up admitted.

Now Hiring!

I had another kick butt day at the gym, this time doing intervals on the treadmill and AMT machine. Next week I will be having my nutrition appointment where I'll be bringing a log of everything I eat and drink over a three day period. One week from that I'll have my last appointment with my final  weight and measurements. I'm excited to see the changes in my body! Already, I'm feeling more energetic and a little stronger.

One area I am lacking in is a good support team. I need friends (near or far) I can count on over this long journey to help push and motivate me. I need YOU to hold me accountable.

Are you interested in joining my support team? Email me to find out how you can help! 

Failure

“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.”
Leo F. Buscaglia


I failed. I gave up. I wimped out.

You get used to it...No, you don't.

A few weeks ago, I was visiting with a group of friends when the conversation turned uncomfortable. First it was  how dangerous bath time can be, then a discussion of whether it's easier to have one kid or two, and finally talk of a little girl who had died a few months ago who was a classmate of a few of their kids. During all of this, I received a sympathetic glance from two of my closer friends. Once the visit was over, I walked out with one of my close friends. As soon as the door shut and we were out of ear shot of everyone else, my friend turned to me and asked if I was ok. "You get used to it." I replied with a sigh. "I don't know how you could ever get used to that." she said heavily. I paused for a minute before answering with a weak laugh, "No, you don't. You don't get used to it at all." 

Chugging Along

Despite eating out a couple times last week, I'm feeling pretty good about my progress. I've been going to the gym regularly and trying out new things. I even tried Aqua Zumba which was a lot of fun! It was easier to keep up with than I thought it would be. I was actually disappointed when the time was up because I wanted to keep going!

Four Pounds

Today was my 2nd Face 2 Face appointment at the gym. Last week I was just weighed and measured, which was NOT fun. Especially when I had to argue with the girl about whether the bathroom scale they were using went high enough for me. Completely embarrassing.

Daddy Issues

Back in 2005 I had an assignment in my English course called "Snap Shot." We were to write an autobiographical essay in the form of little snap shots. This is my essay with a current update following.

My Father