Little Things...

I've gotten a few comments stating that my honesty and openness is refreshing. Let me tell you, it's not easy. My posts are few in far between because it's difficult to be so candid. At the same time, what's the point of posting if I can't be candid? Why bother?

I am not well. I'm just a really good faker.

I've been working really hard on various issues, but frankly it's hard to work on one thing when you have a million things on your list. Especially if all of these different things clash with one another.

For example...I have this list of goals.

*Lose weight, Gain Muscle, Gain control of my illnesses. - These all work together. I can't behind to gain control of my illnesses unless I lose weight. But yet it's hard to lose weight when I'm in so much pain.

*Go back to school

*Go back to work

*Work on friendships and social activity.

I have this huge amount of anxiety, especially in public or around other people. Social contact is very difficult for me. I've tried going to play dates, but I don't feel like I fit in at all. I feel like everyone is looking at me as this horrible person. "Who let's their child die like that?" or they don't know me at all and I'm waiting for the question "How many kids do you have?" These moms are all better than me. They're pretty, fit, healthy, they dress well, they have happy little healthy children. They have impressive educations, they have this amazing homes and nice cars. And here I am, in all my glory. I never say the right thing. I try to give tips to moms with older kids and they look at me like "How do you know? Your kid is younger than mine?" or "Yeah well you let your kid die, why should I listen to you?" I'm terrified of these interactions. Problem is, if I can't be around people without freaking out, how am I to go to school or work? If I worked on losing weight, I'd feel better about myself. But I can't work out because it requires me to go out and be around people. It's completely circular. If I can't lose weight, I can't interact. If I can't interact, I can't lose weight. So how do I move on with my life? I want to finish my education. I need to move, so badly, for me. Where do I start?

I try to set little goals. Visit forums, talk to people on Facebook, etc. I feel stupid on forums. I post of my Facebook and I get snarky little comments. There's the people that just can't stop the one upping. They always have to be right. I don't do debates, I can't handle the stress, but sometimes people just can't help but to start one. There's the innocent teasing. I'm sensitive right now, it's not funny to me.

Then someone told me I spend too much time on Facebook. Here I am trying my hardest to straighten my life out, to work on things and I just get slammed. Maybe they were trying to be funny, who knows. But dang, if I can't interact through Facebook, why bother trying at all?

It's also hard trying to start new friendships, when my current ones suck so badly. I took my page down all together for 2 days and no one noticed. Not a big deal. I'm not looking for attention, I just needed a break. But aside from Facebook, I don't hear from people. No emails, no snail mail, hardly any phone calls (actually I have about 3 people who call me a couple times a week and that's it). I have friends that I haven't heard from in months. They just stopped caring or feel too uncomfortable to reach out. I'm sorry if MY life makes YOU uncomfortable. But still, it stings.

When I do hear from people, it's 90% one sided. I don't remember the last time I talked about what was on my mind. I sort other people's problems. I do favors. And lord forbid I say no...

Really...where do I go from here? I'm so, so afraid of getting hurt further. How do I form and maintain relationships when I feel so awkward and uncomfortable? How do I go after these goals with so much weighing me down? How can I continue on this path of complete unhappiness? Because yes, I am unhappy. Completely, throughly unhappy. I am lucky to have a great husband and beautiful daughter...but beyond that it's hard to find the things that keep me.

I guess my moral here today, is that words and actions (or lack there of) hurt. Much more than you could imagine.

I just need to find my way, figure out how to grasp the things I need. I hope this crap storm ceases, I don't know how many more deaths and pain I can take. I'm strong enough, I don't need anymore "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger!" stuff in my life. I'm good.