Merry Christmas

With Christmas just a few days away, it's hard to not think of our last Christmas in 2009. I'm sure many of you remember that we decided not to celebrate the holidays last year, allowing ourselves time to grieve instead. So when I think of  "Last Christmas" my mind goes back to 2009 and our last Christmas with our beautiful boy...

Memories of spending Christmas Eve watching Charlie Brown and peeking out the window for Santa. Of new pajamas. Mama and Daddy listening to Christmas music as they assembled Max's toys.

And waking Max up, because we were too excited to wait for him to wake on his own.

It's hard not to picture "What would have been Christmas" of our special boy now three instead of one opening presents alongside his baby sister who is no longer so small. What surprises would we have had for him?

It's hard not to feel the void at our family Christmas when we're surrounded by brother and sister pairs. Or watching Sesame Street devote an episode to siblings. I feel this overwhelming guilt that Meghan is being raised as an only child with only pictures of a sibling but not a sibling to play with and love.

But this is not Christmas past or "What would have been Christmas" but just plain old Christmas. The one where you appreciate what you've been given even when something else has been taken away. So we do what we can and just make the best of it. We buy presents, we decorate the tree, we plaster on our smiles and let out our fake laughs. But this year, beneath all the faking and hurting, there's still that little girl who looks so much like her big brother...that little girl that gets me up and out of bed everyday, the one who makes my heart smile even when it's broken and dries my tears with her laughter. And that little girl is going to have a very Merry Christmas.

I won't ever forget my sweet boy. I will never "get over" the pain of losing him. But this Christmas, for her, I will allow the real smiles to creep back in - just a little - while we celebrate with our darling girl.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and peace to those that are grieving this season. Thank you for your continued support and for remembering my Max.