How I Cope...

I've been thinking a lot about coping skills vs strength lately. I understand that many think I am strong for having dealt and survived so many difficult things in my life. Some of the things I've survived have been enough that some people wouldn't have been able to live through or maybe they would but just have an extremely altered life. Some would turn to drugs or start drinking. But yet I continue to survive time after time. I'm not saying I'm not screwed up, I know I need every minute of the therapy I receive. Yet despite all of it I continue to get out of bed each day, I care for my child, I get dressed, I eat...I do all the same things any other mother does.


I honestly don't know how I adapt, how I survived the things I have. There are days that it doesn't feel worth it and I want to give into the hysteria that creeps up on me. When that happens I start to feel like Scarlet from Gone with the Wind..."I'll think about it tomorrow." It never feels appropriate to let go and break down. With some things giving it time lessens the sting and it doesn't hurt as much, other things just don't go away (like my pain of losing Max).

I also use distraction a lot! I turn to books and allow someone else's life to sweep me away. It's hard to think about my own problems when I'm in another world. I don't turn to music because I find that it's too easy to twist the lyrics to fit my own sorrow in and then I just wallow. Don't even get me started on church songs about God giving his only Son. But books are a safe place for me. The internet is risky. I go through periods of time where I can't use Facebook because it's such a land mine. I still don't understand why people find it necessary to share news stories about so many horrific things. For someone who's lost a child, lived in poverty, been abused, been raped, had an alcoholic father, deals with weight issues, has an eating disorder, has depression, has a family member dealing with LGBT issues, feels suicidal...and many other things it's a constant mine field of triggers.

And speaking of Facebook, I find myself responding more than posting. I'm afraid to post sad or depressing things because I don't want to upset anyone. I don't want to post things that are boring. I don't want to post things that might start a debate or make someone angry. I get so tangled up in these thoughts that I just hang back and watch.

Sometimes when I'm feeling really poorly I'll wallow on Think Exist reading quotes relating to how I feel at the time. I can't always put my feelings into words but many times there's a quote that says it for me. Sometimes I'll read support forums but I can't bring myself to post.

So these are some of the ways I cope. It's not always the best way. I know it would be better if I could get my emotions out there and allow myself to break down. But this is how I get through the day.

How do you cope when you're struggling with something?