My Unexpected Trip

Yesterday was busy but nothing signaled that anything was wrong. Meghan and I went to the therapy, the gym (where I pushed myself harder than ever on the treadmill), grocery shopping and for a picnic lunch with Daddy. Then I met Beth for dinner and a movie. We had a great time and despite the busy-ness of my day, I felt pretty good.

I went to bed after I got home and despite having difficulty getting to sleep I drifted off around 11. At midnight, I rolled onto my stomach (I wasn't wearing my CPAP because of nasal allergies) and suddenly got a searing pain in my back on the lower left side. I figured it was a muscle cramp from doing weights the day before. I rolled onto my right side and tried massaging it myself but the pain increased. I couldn't get comfortable. The pain began to wrap around my side. At this point I was still trying to find a position that would ease the pain. Finally when it was clear that I wasn't going to get comfortable, I came downstairs.

I spent about two hours downstairs by myself because I didn't want to disturb Robert. But 30 minutes in, I knew something was wrong. It pain continued to worse, never relenting even for a second. I was freezing and shaking from the pain. I started to become afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it up the stairs to wake Robert and I knew that he wouldn't hear me scream. I wanted to go to the hospital, but being me...I didn't want to wake everyone, I didn't want to be a burden, I didn't want to be an expense. I figure I had given birth twice without drugs, I could wait it out until morning. But just in case, I crawled up the stairs and woke Robert. I explained that I didn't want to do anything about it, I just wanted him to be aware. I made him promise to go back to sleep and to get as much rest as possible.

I took two hydrocodone with hopes of being able to sleep. The pain still increase and by now I was writhing and groaning. 15 minutes after the pain pills I began vomiting. I'd spend 20 minutes in the bathroom and then 5 minutes trying to sleep. As time went on I was praying for relief and praying to make it until morning. I knew I needed to go to the hospital, but I didn't want to take Meghan in the middle of the night.

5 am came and I was crying. Two babies without drugs, wisdom teeth, ovarian cysts and tumors...I never cried from the pain. I started to beg Robert to take me, though I was afraid of the drive. Unable to walk easily, it took about an hour to get dressed, get Meghan up, pack her a breakfast, and make it to the hospital.

I was lucky that the waiting room was empty and they took me right back. Due to shift change and some miscommunication, my medications took a little over an hour to get to me. When they finally injected the two pain meds and Zofran (anti-nausea medication) into my IV, I felt so much better. It was almost instant. I was soooooo high and it was amazing to feel NO pain, not only the pain I was there for but the constant pain I usually have. I was set for a cat scan and then the next several hours were spent waiting for results.

During all of this, I was an emotional wreck. I've found that pain medications knock down my tough wall and I lose my normal inability to cry. I cried because I was grateful for Robert being there for me, I cried because I was scared, I cried because I missed Max, I cried because I loved Meghan so much, I cried because I was in the hospital that my Father and Grandfather died at, I cried because I was in a hospital and that reminded me of losing Max. I cried a lot.

Most heavily, I cried for my friend Mandi. Mandi had many of the same illness I do. We met through the online support group I formed as a teenager, Silly Sickies. Mandi was great friend, an amazing woman. At 27 she died from liver failure because of the medications she took...for the illnesses we share . I cried for her and cried because I was afraid.

Finally the doctor came with my results. I have multiple small stones on the right side and a bad infection in my left kidney (the source of the pain). She gave me the option of staying or trying to go home. She said most people with kidney infections that bad stay, but she wanted to give me the choice because of Meghan.

So here I am at home. I have a prescription for antibiotics, pain medication and Zofran. If the pain is intolerable or if I'm able to keep the medications down, I'm to come back to be admitted. I slept for several hours after returning home and now that I'm up the pain has returned. Luckily, so far (knock on wood), it's not as bad as it was last night and this morning. Robert has made me promise to tell him if it's bad and to agree to be admitted. He knows me too well.

Yesterday, my therapist gave me some printouts about asking for help. Obviously, an issue for me. Here's a good chance to work on that! We're ok for now, but I may end up calling a few friends for help with Meghan, especially if I end up admitted.