Not Even Close...

I often get comments about how things must be so much easier now, the pain should be fading, I should be healing, it shouldn't be so hard anymore. Ha. You couldn't be more wrong.

Each day that goes by, doesn't less the pain. Each day that goes by is one more day gone by that I haven't had my son in my life.

I heard things like, "You're one day close to seeing him again!". That's the worst possible thing one could say to me. If anything, it only makes me feel worse hearing that statement. It's hard enough living my life each day and not giving up. The thought that I may get to see him again only strengthens those feelings of wanting to speed it up.

"Thank goodness you have Meghan. You can just look at her and forget about everything." It doesn't work that way. I look at her and I see Max. She does things and reminds me of him. She laughs and I forget and worry that she might wake him from a nap. I'm not used to caring for one child. I have this big hole in my life. I'm still counting heads. I'm still listening for him. He's everywhere and in everything. I still find his socks in our laundry.

But yes, Meghan is a blessing. She is what keeps me. It's Meghan that makes me get out of bed everyday and live my life. It's Meghan that makes me go to therapy and take those little pills that are supposed to make it all better.

So next time you think to yourself that I must be doing so much better because it's been six months, think again. It's not better, it's not going to get better, I'm just better than ever at faking it and plastering that dumbass smile on my face.

I'm not over it, not even close.