Your Questions Answered

I know that not everyone cares about my day to day life, or anyone's for that matter. It's like the Twilight books, we don't care what Bella ate for breakfast, nor do we need a detailed description of it every single morning. That said, blogs are not for entertainment. I'm not expecting a huge following or a book deal. I just want a safe place to express my feelings. Yes it's public, but sometimes it's easier to let my friends and family read this than to open up and express this stuff out loud. Mainly, this is just a place for me.

Here are some of the questions and comments I receive on a daily basis that I'd like to address here.

How are you? I have good days and bad. I feel like my heart has been ripped out, even on the "good" days. The bad days, I can't focus or function. I spend a lot days in comfortable stretch pants and t-shirts, but I do get up and I do what I have to do.

How are you and Robert? Are you getting a divorce? We have no plans to divorce. He attends therapy sessions with me and we are fighting for our marriage. The statistics are against us. Many marriages end after a child dies. We don't claim to be immune to it, right now we're just working as hard as we can to stay together. It's not always easy, we grief differently and express ourselves differently. It's hard to share our feelings with each other out of fear of hurting each other, that's something we're working on. We need time alone together, but it's hard to manage, we have our hands full with his job, the house and Meghan to care for. We've managed one date in the past 6 months.

I've wanted to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I haven't changed. My life has changed. I'm depressed, but I was also struggling with depression before August. The point being, I'm still Amy. It hurts to hear that people don't know how to talk to me anymore. It makes me feel left out, like I have some contagious disease.

Why don't you ever call, email, come see me, ask for help? I can't. It's hard to reach out. I don't want to burden anyone with my own pain. When I'm having a hard time, it's difficult to plaster that fake smile on my face and it's just easier to stay home and keep to myself. It doesn't mean that I don't like you or want to spend time with you, it's just hard for me to reach out.

You never returned my email, did you get it? Yes, I did. I read all of my emails and I do need to get better at responding. Sometimes it's just too hard to reply with complete honesty, sometimes it's hard to reply at all. If it's important to you that I respond, please just say so and I'll try harder. It's nothing against you, I'm just doing the best I can.

How can I help? Just be there for me. I need friends and family. I need to know people care and haven't forgotten about us. Don't wait for me reach out to you, I won't. I'm not able to. But we need support and understanding.

How do you get out of bed everyday? If I lost my child I wouldn't be able to live! When people say this to me, it feels as if they think I'm not hurt by the loss of my son. That I don't hurt nearly as much as they would if it happened to them. They have NO idea. I get out of bed because as much as it hurts to live without my son, I can't lose my daughter. Meghan needs me. I go to therapy and I take my medications, because my daughter needs her mother. It's not Meghan's fault that her brother died. She deserves to have fun and be loved.

I know just how you feel! I lost my ___. It gets much easier as time passes. You don't know how I feel. You will never, ever know how I feel. As time passes, it gets easier to handle social situations, but the pain doesn't lessen. I'm aware of how long it's been, I'm not "over it". I miss my son more each day, thus the pain doesn't get better, it gets harder. I will never be over it. I will always hurt and always wonder what life would be like if he was still here. I'm truly sorry that you or someone you know lost ___, but it's not the same.

I miss Max too. But why can't you just move on with your life, I have. Why didn't you celebrate the holidays? I'm sorry you hurt too but that doesn't mean you understand. Did you carry him inside your body for over 9 months? Did you dream about what his life would be like and then give birth to him? Did you hold him to your breast in the middle of the night? Did you sit up with him night after night when he couldn't sleep? Did you play with him and love him every single day? Did you ever hold him and cry because you loved him so much that it hurt to see him grow up? Were you ever afraid to blink because you didn't want to miss a thing or forget a moment? Were you there when he took his first steps, said his first word, had his first fever, his first boo boo, his first smile? Did you read to him, sing to him, tuck him into bed each night? No. I did. I lost my son. I lost my best friend. I lost MY Max. Just because you saw pictures or videos, just because you saw him every once in a while does not mean you hurt the same why I do. You will never understand my pain. I don't celebrate holidays because my son can't celebrate holidays. That is my choice. I will not move on, I don't want to.

Why are you so negative and bitter all the time? Why can't you just be happy about what you do have and stop whining already? I try to be positive around others and keep my feelings to myself. My blog is the one place that I can talk freely. You don't have to visit it. If my posts on facebook bother you, then by all means delete me. No explanation needed.