Nervous to say...

I'm a little nervous to say that things seem to be getting a better.

We've finally reached a point (knock on wood), where we're not dreading or counting down to something big or stressful. I've learned to be a little more assertive and own my feelings.

I'm trying to look on the bright side a little more and stop waiting for the other shoe to fall. Heck, based on that analogy, I've had a huge shoe store fall on my head over the past 26 years. I'm done asking "what next?" and "what's could possibly be worse". I need to move forward and live this life. Yes it sucks. But gosh, this is the only chance I get right? It's time to accept the hand I was dealt and bluff my way to the end.

I've gotten a lot better at taking the medications I was prescribed. It doesn't change anything. But it lessens the pain. The panic has faded considerably and my anxiety is a lot less than it once was.

I still have my bad days and times when the darkness overcomes me. I always will. Some days are worse than others. But I'm finding that I am able to get through the day or at least that moment.

I'm still going to therapy. It's hard, hard work. I should be getting paid for all the work I put into this. Robert goes with me every other week and I've been pushing myself to say things out loud just a little more.

My last entry was so freeing. It felt good to address all these things and just get it off my chest.

Meghan's birthday is quickly approaching. On one hand, I'm excited to see my baby turn one. I'm happy for her. But at the same time, it's hard. How do I sing Happy Birthday with memories of releasing balloons for my little boy play through my head? How do I celebrate with her while mourning not getting to celebrate his second birthday?

I don't think people realize just how much this plays out in my life. Everything has changed. I can't go to a grocery store without feeling that stab. I can't do laundry without finding one of Max's socks. He's everywhere and in everything. Other kids remind me of what could have been. I've lost friendships. I've lost so much, most importantly my son.

But life goes one, whether you like it or not.