Things Just Suck Right Now

After my last post about going to the ER with a kidney infection, I ended up getting worse and wound up being admitted to the hospital for a few days. I was released once my blood work came back clean, somewhat against doctor's orders. He wanted to keep me for an extra day but I was ready to come home to my own bed and my family. By that point, I was having a lot of muscle/fibro pain from staying in an uncomfortable hospital bed constantly. So I came home bruised, sick and weak. I've continued to improve a little each day. I finally have most of my strength back and am able to drive again. I am still tired and wear out much easier. Saturday was a busy, rushing around, on my feet day and by evening I was literally shaking because of the pain. I still have stones left, though I'm not sure how many. Therefore I also still have pain periodically on both sides.

If it weren't for getting ill, I would have finished the Face 2 Face program last week. Instead, I've been unable to exercise for over two weeks now. That's been upsetting for me. I felt like I had gotten into such a good routine. I am equally scared to go back and anxious to go back. I am certain that the kidney problems are related to my constant state of dehydration combined with my sudden increase in sweating from the sauna, steam room, and working out. If anything, I've now learned my lesson: I need to DRINK. I need to make my body priority and take care of myself better.

We're also leading up to "that time of the year". I honestly feel like we just did this. Last year I was so emotional and terrified of August 12th and 17th. I was afraid of Max's balloon release and all the emotions surrounding it. Afterwards, I took a deep breath and just felt relieved that I survived the anniversary. And now here we are again, so soon. The idea that I haven't seen my own son in TWO years just shatters my heart and is NOT FAIR. Because it's not, it's NOT FAIR AT ALL.  I have these friends that I know I can count on. BS will keep me distracted if I need it. SS sends me words of encouragement and allows me to talk about the hard stuff. CN has this way about her that makes it just all tumble out and she reads between the lines, calling me out on stuff. My therapist is beyond amazing and I couldn't be more thankful for her. I need them. But it's hard because sometimes if feels like no one else talks about it, no one talks about HIM. It's taboo. It's old news.

I'm just very glad that Robert is staying home next week.

Things just suck right now.