Once in a while I'm thrown a bone, someone mentions his name or talks about him for a moment and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. It's so casual. I want to be able to talk about him and remember him...but when it comes up randomly, I feel like I'm being stabbed with a thousand knives. I want to run. I don't know how to respond, so I just freeze. I plaster that damn smile on my face and nod.
A friend told me today that what I need is a good dose of normal. I don't know what normal is anymore. I am so overwhelmed by one stress after another, I feel like I can't breathe. I want stability more than anything. Every time the phone rings I tense, "What now?" Day after day a new stress is added. I can't plan my life, I don't know what tomorrow brings, or the day after that. Little things...How will we spend the holidays? Who will we spend them with? Do we even want to celebrate them? Where will we live? What next? I can't handle all this change, I just want everything to slow down for a moment. Let me handle one thing at time! How can I handle my grief when these things just keep piling on?
I have given up on being and doing everything that everyone wants. At least mentally, I just need to learn to enforce it. I still haven't learned how to be assertive. I've readied myself to say no, to do what's best for my little family, but I haven't figured out how to navigate these situations when I'm not given a choice. How do I say no when I am not asked? Wouldn't it be ugly of me to say I won't do something that someone expects and depends on me to do?
1 comments:
Now, I know I'm totally the opposite end of the spectrum of doing what people want. I'm all for saying "Um... yeah. Do it yourself." Especially, when they CAN do it themselves and they just don't want to.
However, I can see what kind of position you are in and how uncomfortable and possibly even ugly, you might feel if you were to suddenly say no, when they are used to you always saying yes, yes, yes.
But at some point, you have to step back and ask yourself...Do they really truly NEED me to do this task? or do they just WANT me to do it? If the wants are outnumbering the needs, then that's when you gotta put your foot down.
And yeah, at first they might be put off, because most people don't like change, but eventually (hopefully) they will see reason.
But I doubt people would think it ugly for you to finally put your foot down. Heck, if anything, right now it should be YOU who has expectations and need to depend on people, not the other way around.
And you always have a choice. Just because you are told to do something, doesn't mean you have to do it. If you don't want to. Don't. ....but you might want to start practicing with the small stuff ;)
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