This Isn't Me...

I've seen the consequences of people not taking medications as prescribed, whether it be too much, skipping doses, or ceasing them all together. I am the one who encourages and scolds others. I am the one who worries about others.

Yet, here I am. I was up all night before I finally collapsed out of sheer exhaustion at 4:30 am. I woke up with Meghan at 5 am, got her back to bed and then went on to have one horrible nightmare after another.

Why? Because I didn't take my medications. Hyp O Crite, that's my name. I'd say I don't know why I do it, but I'd be lying. I don't take my medications, because I can't cry when I'm on them, I can't feel. But if I don't take it, I can stay awake until the house is quiet and everyone else is sleep. I can stay awake until I am alone it is safe to let go. And then finally I can cry, I can feel everything that's been pushed back. I can feel the pain wash over me.

This isn't who I am. I'm not the person that plays around with starting and stopping medicines. I recognize that this isn't healthy behavior.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Kettle. Pot. Black. Calling. Ring. Ring.