I haven't felt comfortable communicating with others yet. It's hard to return to my normal habit of posting on Facebook and my favorite forums. I just feel like such a downer to everyone else and if I'm not being a downer I feel fake. Maybe this will be a way for people to peek in when they like. I don't know.
I might be angry, mean, sad, happy...any emotion here. Please don't take anything personal, this is my space.
How am I? My heart has been ripped out, I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I died too. But I can't express my emotions. I want to yell, scream and cry with someone. But I can't. I'm not strong, I just don't know how to let it out unless I'm by myself. I've spent my entire life hiding my feelings, pain and emotions. I don't know how to turn that off.
What I can admit...It hurts. It hurts to wake up and it hurts to go to sleep. Everything hurts. It hurts when people call me or email me, it hurts more when people don't. I can't always reply or answer, but I like to know people care and more importantly that people love and miss Max too. It hurts like hell when I try to talk about him and people change the subject. I want to curl up and die when people pretend he doesn't exist. He's my SON. My heart, my soul. I want to remember him, I want him to be remembered.
I won't ask for help. I never have, I never will. It's not who I am. I don't know how. I won't call someone when I'm having a hard time. I'll hide it and bury it away. I'm working on that, but I might not ever learn.
Anyway, welcome to my rambling blog. It is what it is. Read it if you like.
3 comments:
Dear Amy,
Marianne here, a.k.a. Cydoniagirl (of the faeries). Thank you for posting the links for grief support. I'll be following you with this blog, as well as continuing to check in with you on facebook. Remember dear friend, I'm just an email away if you need me. May the love from the Father that passes all understanding surround and hold & your family close like a quilt.
Love/Peace/Blessings,
Marianne
a.k.a. Cydoniagirl
I love you! I loved little Max. I'm here for you. For anything. I would do anything for you, I want you to know that.
I wish I could say I understand but I don't. I wish I could say the right words and you would immediately feel better, but I can't. I don't know what to say..to make it better...but I want to. I see a Mom and Dad and it rips my heart out to know that Max is gone and it hurts so wrenchingly painful way down inside...but mere words can't fix it.
We, your friends, sometimes want to change the subject because we don't want to feel uncomfortable at our lack of ability to help...other times we don't want you to continually feel bad.
What we know is Max was loved. Smothered sometimes by love from parents, grandparents and those that knew him.
We're there for your family. Maybe in the distant background but there. We pray for you, we think about you, we hurt with you and question with you. I know that Bonnie and I care and will pray that your pain becomes sharper than ever good memories. We pray that time will heal. We pray that Max will always be the precious 2 year old in yours and Robbie's heart and that Rhonda and Raymond will also get peace in what we can't change or fully understand.
Love,
Rocky
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