Addiction

Last night was the season finale of Nashville (do not read on if you are avoiding spoilers). Throughout this show, I have wondered if the person behind the show had grown up with an addicted parent. To me, it's evident that he or she must have had personal experience, because they got it so right with this show.

Anyway, last night was the finale, and one of the character's, Juliette, mother dies. In one scene, Juliette holds her mother's hand along side the casket and cries "Why wasn't I enough?" Later, she confesses to someone that she thought that if she tried hard enough, if she was good enough, that her mother would get clean. And finally, at a point of anger, she expresses that there were days prior to her mother's death that she feared the day would come and others where she prayed for them to come so she could be done with it. She exclaimed, "I should be CELEBRATING!" and then quickly starts to cry, "I didn't mean that!" Oh honey, I know. I so know.

It's been two years now since my father's death, and I still struggle with these emotions. His addiction came way before I did and had nothing to do with me, but that didn't stop me from trying to fix it or thinking it was my fault all those years. I begged for his death to come, and when it finally did the guilt was so immense. The fact that we never fixed things weighs heavily on my shoulders.

The truth is, though, that stepping away is one of the best things I've done for myself and for my family. I so wish we could have fixed things, but it wasn't mine to fix. I couldn't make him stop. They say you should accept people as they are and not try to change them. This is true. But sometimes, you have to step away because that person is so toxic. That was my father. Every interaction was physically and emotionally painful.

I am really looking forward to next season of Nashville. I hope they continue this story line with Juliette, but I hope she doesn't continue to drink away her own pain.