The Other Side of Mother's Day...

I spent my Mother's Day being spoiled and loved by my three year old daughter, Meghan. Like most moms, I dropped many not so subtle hints in the days leading up to the big day about what I wanted. I wanted to sleep in, breakfast in bed, and to not lift a finger. But most of all I just wanted time with my family.

In reality, I also spent the days leading up to Mother's Day sobbing in the shower. I sat and looked at Mother's Day cards from "before". I looked at pictures of my son and I spent a lot of time sitting with his urn. All I wanted for Mother's Day was my son back. I wanted nothing to do with Mother's Day. It got to the point that I was unable to purchase cards for my own mother and mother in law because I couldn't stomach the card aisle without starting to cry all over again.

This may have been my third Mother's Day, but it felt like the first. If anything, it felt harder. All these years, I had shielded myself with anger and bitterness (just read my old posts). While that bitterness wasn't good for me, it had protected me from this overwhelming sadness.

Like many times before, I had to turn to Meghan. I focused in on her. Not only did she need me for these daily basic needs, she needed to be able to celebrate me. And I deserved to be celebrated. Losing Max didn't strip me of that. Despite the blame that I constantly place on myself, his death was not my fault. I need to keep telling myself that and start living that. I deserve breakfast in bed.

So I slept in. I did allowed my family to wait on me. And I let myself cry a little. But only when I wasn't busy with Meghan.

At the end of the day, I put together a picture frame with pictures of Max and Meghan as newborns. A gift to myself. It felt so good to include Max on Mother's Day.

My son might not live, but he will always be my son and I will always be his mom.