I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want in life, my goals, dreams, ambitions. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want people to think after I'm gone?
I guess one place to start is with what I don't want. I don't want to be hyper critical, judgmental, mean or a gossip. Whenever someone talks badly of someone else to me, all I can do is wonder what they say about me when I'm not there.
What's the opposite of those qualities? Supportive, kind, understanding, supportive, sincere...These are the qualities I want for myself.
Right now, I have so much darkness inside. I still feel compassion for others, but at the same time, there are days that the simplest things make me want to scream "I hate you all and I hope you die!" Where does that come from? Jealousy. Pain. Loneliness. Hurt. Frustration. I keep these emotions bottled and for the most part I think I am able to convey the good the way I wish. But I want more. I want to feel it. I want to show it. I want to reach out and make a difference.
One belief I have is that the simplest acts can make a huge difference to someone. A smile to a stranger. Politeness. Kind words and actions. But more importantly, just reaching out. Send a personal email, make a phone call, mail a letter. All just to say "I care, I love you, How are you?" These little things can make such a difference in someone's day. But how often is that done?
So where do I start? How do I spread joy with such evilness in my heart? How can I make a difference, an impact?
How are you, my dear reader?
2 comments:
I'm no expert...heck I'm just a newbie to this world of being nice and optimistic...but I think that the more good you spread, there will be less room for the evil... Now, I know you are good at showing what you want others to see, while inside you feel much differently...maybe the important difference is that each time you "spread the joy" the goal is also to make yourself believe it. And little by little, the "evil" should disappear.
But then again, I'm still new to all this too. And btw, you aren't evil. Not even a little bit. You are more wonderful than you will ever believe! (And thats completely sincere, not just being nice!)
I just finished reading a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It talked about how we can find joy in being thankful....like looking for a way to say thanks even when it doesn't seem like there is much to be thankful for. She makes a goal to write down 1000 thanks to God in a notebook and realizes part-way through the journey that when she is actively seeking to find the gifts and blessing in her life, she sees them, focuses on them. It is a challenge and requires focus and persistence. But it can shift the way we think and thus the way we feel, react, etc. I have started doing it and it does help change my mood. One example: when I have 8 billion loads of laundry to wash and fold, I try thanking God for the clothes and a washer. It makes it much harder to complain when it is a gift and not an awful chore.
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