Our Morning Out

As I've mentioned before, working on social interactions and expanding my social life is one of my goals. It's not only important for my own wellbeing but for Meghan's as well.

I finally bit the bullet this morning and took Meghan to a meetup with our local Mom's group. I wasn't sure I'd make it until I was there and unloading the stroller from our van.

The weather was just perfect for being outdoors. We went to a local park that we used to frequent for an ice cream social. Immediately, I recognized two moms from the group in the parking lot. I haven't been around much and they didn't remember me from previous functions. No fault of theirs, that was to be expected. I chatted with them on the way to tables we were going to and then took Meghan to the swings. There was the internal struggle over whether to use the swing that felt natural to me or the one on the right. Creature of habit, I chose the left swing, Max's swing. Another Mom took the swing to the right to me. I pushed Meghan and couldn't help but to picture all those trips before pushing Max in that same swing. I couldn't help but to picture the moms that had stood beside me in the past, moms that I felt like I knew.

We went to the pavilion for ice cream and took the available spot at the end of the table. The moms were all very nice and introduced themselves. But they knew each other, knew the names of all the kids. They made conversation and I just kind of allowed myself to sink into the background. So not me. I just sat with Meghan and helped her with her ice cream.

Meghan finished her ice cream so I let her down. She took off running, so we explored for a few moments. We talked to a little boy, 20 months old, who reminded me so much of Max. Back at the pavilion the other moms had scattered to the playground, so we just packed our things and left.

I felt tense on the way home, but it was uneventful drive home. We unloaded the van and I took Meghan straight upstairs. I changed her diaper, gave her a hug and kiss, and put her to bed for her nap. I told her I loved her, walked across the room, closed the door softly behind me...and collapsed in the hallway letting the sobs take over, memories and pain washing over me. I don't know how I made it down the stairs with my eyes so blurred but I did. I fixed a glass of water as the tears streamed down.

I don't know what to take from this. Part of me is proud for going and staying even though I knew it would be hard. But I also wanted to just pack up the house and run away. I would love so much to just leave this city and go somewhere new, somewhere that doesn't hurt so much. Never attend another meetup, cut off all relationship (such as they are).I just felt so alone and just overwhelmed today. I missed my son. I miss our old friends. I hated not knowing anyone and feeling uncomfortable. I hated Gainesville and everything that it meant to me at that moment. More than anything I hated myself for being unable to handle a simple thing, a simple event that was supposed to be fun.