Books

Robert is in the office every day this week. "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." rings true to me today. I expected things to be quieter, me to feel a little more lonely, certainly more tired since I sleep less on the days he goes to the office.

Somewhere along the way, I managed to forget that he would not be around for my therapy day. Usually, he goes with me or keeps Meghan while I go. But with him being at work today, I'll be on my own with Meghan in tow.


I know it doesn't sound like a big deal. I take her with me places all the time. But therapy is different. I feel so anxious when she's with me. My therapist, like most, has books in her office. The shelves take up a whole wall, floor to ceiling. For some reason, books bother me. Maybe one is crooked, upside down, larger than the rest...maybe one is missing. It bothers me. It's distracting. But then I take Meghan and she makes this beeline past the toys, straight to the books. At first I would stop her, but then my therapist caught on and now tells me to ignore them. I watch as all these books mount up into a huge pile on the floor. And there goes the entire session.

It's a silly, stupid little thing. But it drives me crazy. I didn't realize that I'd be going alone with Meghan until the night before last and since then all I can think about is those stupid books.

When did it get this bad? I know I wasn't this eccentric before. But before what? When did that switch flip? How do I turn it back off or will it get worse? My fears and "quirks" are growing. I can't drive on the interstate. I can't be around water. I can't see a family with a boy and a girl and I can't stand to be around families with three kids (that's a story for later).

I have this huge amount of hatred in my soul that I want to release so badly. I've never been a super happy, perky person, but I don't want to be the way I am. That "I hate you all" attitude that screams inside me has got to stop. But how?

I guess this is why I go to therapy to begin with.

Off to face the books. Wish me well.