Challenging Myself...

One of the most difficult lessons in life, or at least in mine, is learning that you have the ability to pave the way towards your own happiness. You and you alone, are the only person who can make you happy. Happiness is not the result of a fantastic job, a great relationship, a rocking body or a dream house. It's easy to get caught up in thoughts of  "I'd be happy if I just had ___." But why? Why do we need to put our own happiness on hold until ___ comes along? What if our unhappiness is the one thing preventing that one good thing from happening. Let's be honest, unhappiness is unattractive. Bitterness is revolting. Anger is repulsive. Frowns are ugly. 




“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different." - Stacey Charter 


Why am I unhappy? I have list, everyone has a list of reasons to be unhappy. The more you sit and think about that list the longer that list gets. I could write an entire post about why I'm unhappy, in fact this blog is mostly a collection of nothing but posts on that very topic.


But why am I not happy? This one is simple. I am not happy because I will not allow myself to be happy. I am not happy because I let my unhappiness cast a shadow on everything else in my life. 


Now I know this isn't news. I don't know how many times I've had people tell me I needed to move on and just learn to be happy. Yes, it's true, I am not allowing myself to be happy. However, those statements just make me want to scream, "Just let me be unhappy! Let me mourn. Let me cry. I don't want to be happy!" 


The thing about mourning is that even in those moments of laughter, even when I am enjoying myself, the grief still seeps in. I feel guilty for laughing. It's not fair to laugh when he can't. It's. Not. Fair. But here I am, so wrapped up in my grief that I'm not able to heal. I can't allow myself to fully feel the pain nor am I able to move on and feel happiness. I'm stuck in limbo.


I remember the day after Max passed I started focusing on the one year milestone. I thought if I could just get through the first year without him, it wouldn't hurt so much. So I bottled all of it up and put it to the side. I thought that maybe if I just didn't think about it that the pain would fade and after a year I'd be fine. But instead, what happens is that you bottle it up until the bottle gets shaken and you explode along with that bottle. The only difference between exploding right away or exploding a year down the road is that everyone has gone home. There's no one left to clean up the mess except for yourself. 


I'm not ready to be happy, but yet I'm not willing to continue to isolate myself with unhappiness either. They always say it's best to start small. So for now I am just going to challenge myself with three mini goals a week and begin working towards my own happiness.


Want to join me? What goals could you set to work towards your own happiness? Think small, baby steps.