Maxwell James Spears - July 2009.
How? How has it been 11 months since I've seen his beautiful face? Heard his infectious laugh?
The pain of missing him is worse than the pain of knowing he's gone. I cannot allow myself to fully feel the pain of knowing that he's not coming back. I still cannot express my feelings outwardly. I am unable to speak the words that echo over and over again in my head. I still have to focus my way through simple tasks and interactions. But I cling to his memory. I cling to Meghan, my lifeline, to know that I'm still breathing.
Does it get easier? Not really. Maybe the moments of pure panic are shorter. I don't search for him anymore. That emptiness in our van has faded just a little. But it doesn't go away. The pain of missing him gets harder. Watching Meghan grow only reminds me of him or makes me wish that he was here to play with her.
It doesn't get easier. It just changes. The pain is different.
I miss you Max. I love you so, so much.
3 comments:
Such a beautiful, honest post. I think about you all the time, pray for you often, and want you to know that Max has not been forgotten by ANY of us. I wish I could just wrap you in my arms during these next few weeks, which I'm sure will be difficult (not that all the weeks with him gone aren't excruciating). Wishing you moments of joy in the midst of sadness, and sweet remembrances of your boy as we near what would have been his third birthday.
Even though we are far from you and your family you are never far from our thoughts and prayers. I can tell you that my mother - even though she has never met you - feels a bond with you that only mother's that have lost children will understand. I pray that God sends you all the courage and strength for the next couple of weeks...the same that I pray for my mother. A balloon will be sent up in Max's honor in AK as well as Kyle. Im sure he's still with you watching over you, Robert, and Meghan!
Oh Amy,
I met you only briefly on JM while we were pregnant, you with Meghan and me with Caden. Our April babies. I remember your signature with Max's pictures and your excitement over a new baby to join your family. You called him Maxasaurus on that photo and I remember thinking how adorable that was and how your love for your boy shone so brightly. When I heard that he had passed, I actually gasped. No. It couldn't be. I saw the posts on your Facebook and my heart just stood still for you. I haven't even ever met you, and I knew how strong your love was for hi, Amy. If love could have saved him, he'd still be with you because your love was so obvious. You were so proud of him. I could try to say comforting things about Heaven or angels, because I believe in both, but honestly, I just can't bring myself to. I just have no idea how you're feeling and I wish I could heal your pain. As a mom myself, I ust can't even imagine your heartbreak. And I'm so, so sorry that this happened to your family, to your beautiful boy. I think of you often, which might sound strange since you don't even know me, and you are always in my prayers. Your blog makes me laugh (you're a great writer) and choke back tears. You are a remarkable person, my dear, and a great mom. Xo
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