Epiphany

I've been going through a lot of internal changes. It feels as if someone has suddenly flipped on the light switch, flooding my naive little world with brightness. Some of my epiphanies have been good, some bad. The biggest one (no pun intended) has been about my health and weight.


Until recently, I had allowed myself this comfy bubble of denial. Sure, I knew I was overweight. I knew I need to lose weight. I just didn't allow myself to realize just how out of control and in need of help I was...or am for that matter.

I don't know what made the light come on to begin with, but suddenly I could see myself. Sometimes I wonder how it got this bad, but I know. I remember eating. I remember the fears that made me eat. I remember it all. I remember trying to lose weight in the past, only to self sabotage out of fear. Did I want to be like this? Did I want to be fat? Yes! I succeeded. I succeeded well. Was it healthy? No, of course not. I thought I was protecting myself by gaining weight but instead what I really did was make myself sick.

So here I am, 130 lbs overweight. I'm disgusted with myself. I wish I had just asked for help, gotten the help I needed. What's surprising to me now though, is that no one ever said anything. Don't get me wrong, this is completely my fault. But not once did a doctor bring up my increasing weight. Never did a child or a peer make fun of my weight. Never did a stranger taunt me. Never did a friend express concern. Not once was my size mentioned...

Until today.

Today, I refused to be hurt. I refused to be brought down. I refused to give up on my goals. Today, I got angry. Today, I said "Never again."

This morning as I walking from the parking lot to the gym, for my first ever Zumba class, a elderly couple was walking towards me. I said "Good Morning" to the woman and smiled at the man. She greeted me pleasantly. But this gentleman, instead of nodding or returning my hello, points over his shoulder at the Weight Watchers and says "Hurry up! They're waiting for you. You're next!" I don't know if anything was said after that, I kept walking.

I wanted...to go back to my car. To drive to the nearest drive thru (didn't matter which one). I wanted to quit. I wanted to just give up.

But here's what I did instead. I walked into that gym. I shook parts of my body that I didn't know I had. I danced like a fool. I sweated. I had fun! And when Zumba was over, I did the weight line. Then the Core exercises. Then another 30 minutes of cardio on the bike. I busted my butt! I also weighed myself and saw that I had lost another 3 lbs since my visit on Thursday. Take that old man! I came home, spent time with my family. I ate lunch, I took a nap, I prepared a healthy dinner. I stayed within my calorie reach. You know why? Because I am DONE. I am DONE BEING THE FAT GIRL! I may have been the fattest, clumsiest girl in Zumba today, but I won't let it hold me back. I will not let a comment from a rude old man kill me. I am DONE beating myself up. I am DONE with this lifestyle.

Never again. Never again will I allow the hurtful actions of others to hurt my health. Never again will I weigh what I do now. Never again will I be ashamed of my body.

I am DONE.

Watch my progress at One Thousand Dollars and a New Life. Friend me at SparkPeople.